50, Retired

So, another year’s almost done! And going by what everyone seems to remark, you would actually think that God was actually scissoring out an hour here and an hour there, just when we weren’t looking!

Well, anyways, it’s gone by way too fast for comfort! You’d almost wonder if the Old man upstairs is upto something sinister. As if He was in a rush to get the days done and over with!!!! Or maybe He’s just sick of laughing at the frivolity we put on display. And anyway, I occasionally do get the feeling that he wouldn’t want his angels, or whatever it is that He actually calls his trusted lieutenants, see a lot of the stuff that is on display on earth these days!

Well, anyway, a lot of us are just taking it in our strides. Some of us, like me, have just accepted that there wont be the proverbial 24 hours that we all take for granted anymore! The daily schedule is virtually halved, with the included half consisting of the stuff’s that you really cant avoid, like reporting at work on time, all the choir practices and concerts around the city, and oh my god, we’re forgetting the 7 hours of sleep! Eventually some things don’t get done, but then, hey how can you blame me for God being pissed off with the rest of you? And ya, its God we’re talking about, in case you didn’t notice!

Ok, so back to the reason why I started the banter! (which reminds of dear Princess, she pulled one back on God, writing a christmas plus Happy new year post three weeks before time. Just in case He decided to cancel of the rest of the days of the year, and just announce it on TV or something like hat!) No, this is not another year end post on how ‘the year gone by was a bag of goodies all designed by the Hand that knows all, though some goodies were disguised as pepper flavoured toffees’. Forget it. It wasn’t and it sucked! It was an experience that can only be described as the real fire test for every dirty thing the world can throw at you. Oh come to think of it. I really don’t know why I had to go through most of the stuff I did last year. What joy could anyone have gotten in depriving me of every damned friend I could ever connect to? What joy could anyone, say Anyone, get in making me feel like the most unwanted person in the world. What sarcastic pleasure in seeing me prove that I will never enjoy anything in life that is even remotely ‘work’!

Oh freak. There goes my resolution not to crib! Well, not to the purpose of this post. Actually there are multiple purposes, and counting.

To start with this is my 50th post. Okay that’s fifty posts in a year and a half. That also means Iv enriched the world with fifty pieces of so-called literary experiments. Two, this is the post to mark my break from blogging. Iv been considering quitting for sometime now. Quitting ditching out trash on a weekly basis. I mean, does it do anyone any good? But whenever I think of it, there’s always some good idea coming out. But then, of late, everything ends in a whine like this. So there goes my blog for the next five months. Finally, this marks the end of my whining. Okay that was the decision made before my Christmas break. And its not working to the extent intended. But this time its with more resolve. Its done and over with! The year. Iv seen the worst. Nothing could matter anymore. And 2008, Iv arrived.

So that’s it folks from here, for the next half year. When Im back, itll be with a new look and a new story!
Happy new year and Happy Easter!

Update 1 : Its been the perfect start to a year.. its jus been all goody-goody...

Hey Buddy up there! thanks a million.. Luv ya! I thought You had given up on me....

Rainy days and Mondays! (always get me down)

Talking to myself and feeling old

Sometimes Id like to quit

Nothing ever seems to fit

Hangin around, nothing to do but frown

Rainy days and mondays always get me down

What Ive got they used to call the blues

Nothing is really wrong

Feeling like I dont belong

Walking around some kind of lonely clown

Rainy days and mondays always get me down

(The Carpenters)

Another rainy monday (on which I happened to listen to the carpenters!)... Iv been trying to write a post for sometime .... but its just not coming... trying to do some homework for my class in the evening. Blank head!

Lost in Reality

Sometimes I envy the life of a computer. Like all of us it is expected to work, and like all of us, it is treated like a machine who's only job is to work! Like all of us, it gets sworn at when it isnt able to keep up with demands, with impatient fingers belonging to unstable minds nastily giving insensitive senseless command after insensitive senseless command just to mask their own frustration.

But unlike us, the computer has a time tested way of getting back at humans. It stops working with a confused look, turns deaf to all sorts of emotional arm-twisting (which its user's are deceptively too good at, anyway) feigning indifference to the user's plight (serves them right anyway, for confusing the poor thing so!)

And then Mr. User starts behaving like a gentleman, and does something he affectionately calls as CTRL+ALT+DEL. Which revokes all commands given to the computer so far, and lets it start on a new note, of course, giving it some time to rest. The less gentlemanly just switch off the computer and restart, though it serves the same purpose. Ultimately, the lesson is you cant get on the computer's nerves beyond a certain point.

Sometimes I wish I could just do a CTRL+ALT+DEL to myself too. Or a plain switch off. To be able to just retire to some invisible habitat, like an ant-lion. To sleep and never have to wake up. Or atleast to dig my head in the mud like an ostrich, and stay there in oblivion of all the happenings in the world around me!

***

A year or so ago, when I first came up with the title to this blog, I never imagined it would manifest itself as the truth. Never imagined that after all the experiences I had gone through, I would have lose the spirit to fight. Never imagined that I would ever want to give up. That I wouldnt want to go on any further.

Loser with a capital letter L

Sometimes you feel you dont even deserve to be living!

Sometimes you feel you will never learn!
Sometimes you feel you are just naive to go on trusting people (after all the lessons)!
Sometimes you feel you are a fool to go on seeing only the good side in people!
Sometimes you feel you are too innocent, decent and dignified to thrive in this world!

Sometimes you feel this world wasn't meant for you!
Sometimes you feel God actually made a mistake making you the way you are!
Sometimes you feel God is just having fun at your expense!
Sometimes you feel you are just an object of Heavenly mirth when you motivate yourself!
Sometimes you feel you were fed with a pack of lies about the Omnipotent!

Sometimes you feel you are just vain to go on dreaming!
Sometimes you feel you are just immature when you refuse to accept you are'nt born to win!
Sometimes you feel you will never succeed!

Sometimes you feel you are a loser. Loser with a capital letter L!
Sometimes you feel the 'Loser' is stamped right across your forehead, for all to see and exploit!

Sometimes you feel its just not worth pretending everything's okay!
Sometimes you feel there is a limit to everything!
Yesterday, I think that limit got breached!

I GIVE UP

Give up on hoping things will turn better.
On convincing myself that the past was someone else's naivety!

Give up on cribbing. Anyway, it never made any difference.

Where've all the kids gone?

Yesterday was by far, the best day ever, to travel on a bus in Chennai. With all the schools, colleges, ad other educational institutions closed for the floods, the busses were all between empty and an agreeable crowd. No getting stamped, No having to make excuses in Tamil, No sweating with someone else's sweat. Oh boy, the list goes on! Even more interestingly, a ride that would normally take me an hour on a Monday evening took just 25 minutes yesterday.

Which led me to a really catchy idea. Why not completely do away with school's and colleges. The busses will return to being the preferred mode of commutation. And we can solve the problem of overcrowding on the roads too!

**

Sunday in Chennai was beyond what anyone could actually imagine sitting in their sitting rooms and watching the afternoon movie. It was raining mad all day (Lets say for 22 out of the maximum 24 hours) and whats more it was flooding like it floods in my home village in Kerala after it rains for 3 weeks on the trot and they open dams. Yes, one day of rains, and I was wading home in knee deep water.

Now dont say that's fun. Of course, it was fun. But that's only if you dont look at the water. Filled with all the dirt on the dirtiest city in India! (okay, you may come with stats to disprove that, but Chennai is dirty. dirty. dirty. period!

Well, that's why they gave an off for th schools and colleges. But would you believe it, in the morning, there was absolutely no indication that it was raining huge cats and mighty dogs just the day before, or that I waded back home in knee deep water! Neat (and maybe a trifle cleaner) roads, and a dry, if not clear sky.

Which again led me to think. Occasionally it should rain this bad. So a lot of people will get holidays and can sit at home and see movies and eat and talk and no, i didn't forget, sleep! The rest of the city can go about their jobs in peace, especially travelling in empty busses.

**

Yesterday the Sensex touched 20000 (finally!, for people like me who grow impatient when it takes so long to move on). CNBC had a rather bleak celebration, which clearly indicated that theyd rather it stayed at 20, if not 18, till it dies, for want of interesting ideas. Even the newspapers were muted in celebration. Okay, I said muted. That's muted in write ups, not in volume. The Economic Times was a 30 page edition. But that pales compared to the Business Standard (70 pages) and The Financial Express (hold your breath, a whopping 96 pages).

**

PS. Actually even today the busses werent very crowded. Infact I didn't actually see any student on the bus today. Either they took to the holiday mood a little too much, or well, a sudden idea, maybe someone from the Govt also noticed what I did and, oh if only was true, actually ordered the closure of the schools and colleges.