Blogging

Im not very much of a blogger. Or so I guess its time I admitted. So much for the regularity of my posts. Till about a month ago, I had my excuse of too much else to do. Iv spent the last month doing nothing except fretting that I don’t have anything productive to occupy myself with. 

I did try my hand at writing. And found out that maybe I don’t want to actually. Oh, in fact, Iv been having doubts whether I really wanted to write in the future. But that dissection can wait.

Right now we’ll talk about blogging. Or my blogging, to be precise.

I don’t consider myself to be a very interesting blogger either (And no, Im not fishing for compliments). Mainly because of the absolute lack of original stuff I come up with on a regular basis. Of course there’s the rare, maybe semi-annual, post which is indeed interesting. Uh well, now that I’ve berated myself a little, I guess I can get back to attempting to write something post-worthy.

Sometime ago, I had answered a tag on ‘Reasons why I blog’. Going through that now, I really don’t think they were honest answers. The only reason I blog ought to be because nobody else would want to publish the stuff I come up with. Or for that matter, pay to read. So, that begs the question, why do I write. I think that puts the whole thing in perspective. I need to write. Not because writing is the essential me, like I claimed in that post. Not because I need to voice my opinion about the happenings around me (I do, but a vocal argument will satiate that need). Not even because I believe I could influence public debate (Anyway Im seen as no more than an immature male-chauvinist who voices everything his mother makes him believe – yeah D, that was aimed straight at you and a few others who don’t read this blog anymore).

I write because I enjoy reading what I write. Uhh no, I enjoy reading the outcome of the creativity in me. Every time I feel like writing, I intend to churn out something that satisfies that yearning in me. Often for prolonged stretches of time, my mind refuses to cooperate. And so I give up writing temporarily. I would rather live in oblivion than subject myself to reading routine boring inconsequential stuff (This of course, is about my writing, you are entitled to write what you please, and I as a dutiful blog buddy, will read)

I write because I love compliments. Not compliments like how smart I am or intelligent (They’re quite off-the-mark anyway), but compliments on my creativity. Yeah, Ill admit it, I get a kick to hear that. I don’t mind the light-headedness that comes from feeling a little superior.

I write because somewhere in the bottom of my heart, I am vain. I want to be a famous writer. Not necessarily an author, but atleast a revered columnist (yeah, I meant ‘revered’). Well, I hope I do!

****

Back to blogging. There was a time when for a few months I thought I was actually a good blogger. Good blogger as in, regular blogger plus popular blogger. And as I am wont to do, I began giving out advice on how to make your blog popular. And sometimes I get a kick out of seeing the popularity of some blogs.

It’s simple actually. And it’s high time you accepted it. You visit someone else’s blog and leave a comment, they visit yours and comment. You blogroll someone, they return the ‘favour’. Isn’t that what is known as a quid pro quo? But somewhere down the line that irked me. I didn’t add up. I know it was asking too much of a busy world that people should acknowledge me without prompting. I mean, don’t we all want to be loved without us having to demand it? That was when I started putting anonymous comments. So, I could continue ‘sampling life’ without leaving an obligation.

Well of course, I didn’t tell you. That was the period in which I was a little insane. Or rather what I would call my withdrawal phase. I got through that (Surprisingly, on my own). And then came the privacy phase. Now I suddenly didn’t want any new blog readers. But by then the blog had become quite public among my extra-net friends, even the very persons about whom I had to vent. That put writing about the questions that were bothering me out of the question.

***

But blogging is where I discovered myself. Blogging wasn’t all just about quid pro quo. Blogging was also where I realised that I am not alone. That so many people, in fact most of the people, have gone through experiences that I did, in some form or the other. That helped put problems into perspective. That people have gone through it before, and so I will also survive.

Blogging is how I learnt some of the most important lessons in life. In spite of my dislike for quid pro quo, it taught me that the value of appreciation, both given and received, as long as it isn’t fake. It teaches you that to receive you must first be willing to give. I think I can boast of atleast a few real friends over and above blog-buddies. It teaches you that you need to spend time and effort on people, that you need to empathise with them, and. It taught me to be a good friend!

Blog-world was where I made a lot of good friends. In fact, I know a lot of the people on my blogroll by their real names - from all around the world. People with whom I identified with in spite of all the differences. And for a brief period, my blog buddies were my best friends.

So you see, I didn’t have reason enough to quit blogging altogether either.

***

Holiday Blues

Iv never been in love. Atleast, not officially! But that doesnt mean that I havent felt a lot of the things that distressed lovers claim to feel. 

 

Well, so I was watching this movie 'The Holiday', starring Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet and Jude Law. My first movie in a long long time, but just a few minutes into it, and I was hooked. Pathetic as I think I would be with a movie review, (and anyway, I feel almost impotent creativity-wise) Ill settle with sharing a few of the dialogues that made me go "oh wow, there's someone else too"! 

 

 ***** 

 

".... because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you" - on why you stick with someone who's obviously not meant for you! 

 

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said 'Journeys end in lovers meeting'. What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said 'love is blind'. Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. 

"And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual ...... 

"These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms." 

 

 "... in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake!" 

 

"Say a man and a woman both need something to sleep in and both go to the same men's pajama department. The man says to the salesman, 'I just need bottoms', and the woman says, 'I just need a top'. They look at each other and that's the 'meet cute'." - Well, this one doesnt really apply to me. But I thought it cute, so there it stays! 

 

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. 

"And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade." 

 

 "I need some peace and quiet... or whatever it is people go away for." - I DO! really do!!!!!

Rat race

Jobless, but still starved for ideas, I decide to post some of my personal writing. Something I had written a few months ago:- Today morning on the bus, I was thinking about this conversation I had a few days ago with a friend and was mentally telling her that after all, we're all in a rat- race, and whatever the outcome, we're still rats! And I look out of the window of my bus and what do I see but a dead rat, squashed under the wheels of an indifferent vehicle right in the middle of the road. 

But then thinking on, I guess thats all a part of the deal. We'll all meet our end. And then we wont be any better than that rat, dead, with with its insides out. Or even if we're better off, it wouldnt really matter. So the thing is not to take yourself too seriously. Enjoy life while you have it. Live by Aamir Khan's advice in his new samsung ad! Find the joy in existing. Be willing to take the risks you want to, like the rodent. Take a plunge. Experience LIFE. And dont worry about what people will think about you. Like I said, I wrote this a few months ago, while I was still in Chennnai. Im not sure I still subscribe to it! Nevertheless....

I choose!

Isn’t it much easier to just call it quits?

Does it really matter that you might get branded a loser?
How long do you battle against Fate?
How many times do you keep getting up after being knocked down?
Isn’t there a limit to self-motivation?
When does one draw the line?

Is it really worth the agony to beat an untrodden path for yourself?
Do you really need to be different?
How long do you justify you lack of exceptional talent to yourself?
How long must you keep convincing your loved ones that you’re old enough to take a decision after realizing its consequences?

How many times must you start building your life all over again?
How many times must you endure the hardships of getting off the block?
How many times do you put your Luck for enterprise to test?

Isn’t it much easier to just say ‘I quit’?

And to get on with life the way everybody else seems to be doing?
To bury your dreams and gradually forget that they existed?

Or is it worth, after all?


***

“Despite my lack of ability or interest, being on the team kept me away from the knuckle dragging bullies” - Kareem Abdul – Jabber, legend among basketball legends, on what had him started off as a basketball player, at the age of nine! (from his book ‘On the Shoulder of Giants’)

Its mad hearing of people who succeed like this. It shows that you could also be as successful, provided you make the effort. But how much of an effort?


***

Iv almost convinced my parents that I need to do something better (or rather, lesser) than being a blue collared executive-in-the-making if I were to find peace of mind. And though they’ve come to accept it, they, like most parents, would prefer I did something that would keep at least myself financially secure from day one.

Now starts the dilemma. Convincing your parents (of all people) that you are talented or that you can ultimately make it big isn’t really difficult. Convincing (or even, finding someone who wants to be convinced) a prospective employer is! So, thus another job search trudges on. And even before its really started, you have to contend with the rebuffs as well as the constant discouragements from people who think they know all that can happen! At least, I was saved the misery of having to bear the agony of being ignored by people you considered as friends and who were in a position to help. In fact, Iv got a lot to be thankful in that regard. All my through my travails, Iv found a lot of people willing to help, help more than was necessary, and to help like as if I had given them a life or something.

But still, you need to explain the lack of progress to yourself, and that makes you feel like quitting. And so often, I feel like I could actually quit.

In fact, I could just decide that my dreams were just idealistic cravings, and set about building a career in finance. Im sure with the attractions, I could get settled quite fast in life (in all respects) and who knows maybe Ill even be happy!

And if Im not, Iv got a wonderful excuse. That my parents wanted me to do something safer. And safety comes with its cost. A lack of excitement!

But I couldn’t get away with that. Because today the choice is open. Today when Im choosing, I need to consider that ultimately my parents did give me a free hand, that I have to own up to my decisions rather than leaving room for scapegoats!

Today I need to tell myself that I can choose an adventurous life. One that will at the very least deliver in terms of excitement, if not achievements. But more importantly, I need to tell myself that I must choose to follow my dream or not to. I really cant put the blame on somebody else for the way my life turns out when it really is in my hands.

Iv chosen adventure. Trying to beat a path for myself. Im sure Ill succeed. But even if I don’t, Ill have made my own choices, like a Man

Tagged to the Rescue

Starved for ideas, who wouldnt take up the offer of a tag? Well, for the few of you who still dont know, Im under net-arrest, meaning, Im not allowed to use the net because Im supposed to be studying for a great big exam, and I cant afford to be distracted. Atleast mom thinks so, and while Im at home, rules go! So that leaves me with the precious few hours I get on saturday. So there goes the answers to a few tags. One by D and another from VJ

Of course, that leaves me with no time to read all your posts and all. But then, you'll understand, havent I been the best of blog buddies while I could? anyways... read on.

    If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
    HURT. I really don’t know if Ill be angry.

(I do sometimes wonder whether Ill be the one who cheats. I hope I don’t. Im not sure if adultery’s not ok. But Im sure that its NOT FAIR!)

    If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
    Be known as India’s most trusted man. I mean, seriously :D

    Whose butt would you like to kick?
    On second thoughts, I would kick the chairman of the CA institute, as a representation of what I think of the whole lot of them.

    What would do with a billion dollars?
    Gosh. Maybe Ill write to Forbes. Just in case they didn’t hear of it. But seriously I don’t want a billion dollars. I need to build a house because mom insists it is necessary. I need to have enough to raise a pair of children if ever I have them without making them feel depraved. And I need a little to travel the world for the rest of my life. Does that call for a billion dollars?

But yeah, a worthwhile idea would be to buy off a good newspaper or a TV channel. Apart from the fact that it would solve my employment woes (:-D) it would also give some competition for Rupert Murdoch before he finally k icks the bucket! (Y ou know, I still harbour dreams of some media baron taking a liking to me and offering me 25% of his company, only to die without a heir, and Ill buy off the other 75% too – Like in ‘Kane and Abel’)

    Will you fall in love with your best friend?
    I would fall in love only with my best friend. I don’t know, I cant think of any relationship that isn’t intimate to the absolute.

    Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?
    I guess its being loved. It gives you a reason to be around.

    How long do you intend to wait for someone you love?
    To quote Mark Twain, Id wait for her for half my life, if I can meet her before the other half. But of course, do tell me if you know any shortcuts.

    If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?
    Oh well, a few weeks ago, I did something, and suffice it to say that I characteristically messed it up. So, Im back to ‘The hardest thing Iv ever done, is keep believing, there’s someone in this crazy world for me’ and ‘I know I need to be in love’. God bless the Carpenters!

    If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?
    Domestic Violence. Ill treatment of women. But I wouldn’t call it women’s rights!

    What takes you down the fastest?
    Insensitivity to others. And people who'r so full of themselves already.

    Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?
    A successful journalist, career wise. And happy, life-wise.

    What’s your fear?
    Living long – that is, long enough without being able to eat the things that I can today. Everything sweet, spicy and oily!

    What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

Well, Ill say this. She’s in the best love story Iv actually come across in real life. And thats saying something, methinks!


14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
You got me there! But no, I wouldn wanna be poor, whatever be the sacrifice.

15. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?
The person with whom I can be myself, and the person who wouldn’t have to

change for me. The person who I enjoy spending time with!

16. Would you give all in a relationship?
Yes. Period. And I wouldn’t get into any relationship where all isn’t required.

17. Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has

done?
Well, actually yes. maybe Im not being manly. But actually, I find it quite easy to get over an incident, if I

see the remorse and the sorry’s. I mean, I melt quite easily.


18. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
After hearing that D prefers being single, Im having second thoughts, but yeah, as

of now, relationship!

And then this. I wrote this a week ago, but couldn’t get around to posting!

My oldest memory :

Well, its funny, but my earliest memories wouldn’t really be about me. It would be something like watching Anil Kumble screw the famed West Indian opposition with 6 wickets at the Eden Gardens (which, I was watching while everyone else was celebrating a friends birthday in the next room). Or reading in the papers that Kapil Dev was the highest wicket–taker in the world. I remember that the previous day I had argued with a friend that he wasn’t – Because I hadn’t read that in the papers. (I think that hasn’t changed over 14 years. Ignorance combined with too much of arrogance to match intelligence!)

Another memory catches me. This same friend and I had once hatched a plan to write a song. My dad had assured me that it was pretty easy. And we reasoned why not! So, at the appointed time we both sat down with our tools – pen, paper and, of all things, a dictionary. Well, suffice it to say that that was my earliest memory of a writers block. We gave it up as a bad job some 15 minutes into trying. That might have been the first among many incidents that took away from my admiration for my dad (which is at its nadir right now)

Thinking it over, I remember squinting at bus #123 in Bangalore (that’s when my parents noticed maybe I had a problem with my sight – I was eight then)

I remember envying my school chums who could buy ice creams from the roadside vendors, something that my parents insisted were too unhygienic)

I remember being at a friends birthday party in which I could choose from the wrapped gifts. I so wanted a miniature bow and arrow that a lot of other guys wanted, but all that turned up was a Cadbury bar.

I remember watching a football match at this friends place. Lazio Vs Ajax. I now remember that it was he who was so gaga about AC Milan, but since then, there’s a bond between me and the club!

Gosh, I remember Yoko Zuna lock up the Undertaker in his own coffin.

Need I go on?

10 years ago:

Feeling too important for my shoes! Sulking after yet another fight with mom. Sulking after being told by my uncles that boys would many more things than curl up in bed with a Hardy boys on a holiday. Sulking over the fact that not one girl really would talk to me for more than a couple of sentences and that the guys only made fun of me. Sulking after being told by mom that I wasn’t allowed to play, because my marks weren’t good enough (less than 60% in 8th standard, fyi. We still joke about those days) and aaah, feeling relieved after using yet another lecture to do something useful – like, read that novel or take a nap!


My first thought today morning :

Yippee, finally todays internet day again! Oh by the way I should have slept a little more. To see what happened after I ended up at the dentist clinic to undergo some tests to my brain! Gosh… btw, any of you guys can read dreams, by any chance? In case you could, I can clarify that the concerned doctor is actually a urologist, and that for some crazy reason I was chewing strips of cinnamon in his room, and he made me spit it out, which was when mom decided I had overslept enough!

My time capsule would contain :

Haha. I guess the answer will have to be some motivational speeches I seem to be fond of making to myself when noone’s around. And some really really interesting though twisted, philosophies on life! Its bound to come out sometime.

This year :

Has been wonderful. Even its nastiness. Finally, Iv come of age in the School of Life. Learned to decide what’s best for me!

(Update: ah well, you know those games of ‘snake and ladder’ in which you crawl all the way up, only to be bitten by the longest snake to end up in square two? That’s where I am today. Hmmmph… come of age! Fat chance)

I think this would sum it up – The year the 23 year old boy turned into a 24 year old man! (of course, still untested by the fires that await men, but nevertheless!)

14 years from now :

Be happily married, or happily unmarried – Happy anyway! And well on my way to becoming India’s most trusted journalist, if not the best!!!!!